Unleashed

I pulled the needle back through the jute bag just as the lights dimmed down for the night. With a final snip, I smoothed the bag flat and tossed it into the pile.

Number 48; at long last, the bags for our His & Hers advent calendars were complete. Finished, and with three hours to spare before the first of December. Through all of my trials and tribulations, I’d managed it.

It felt good, that his words about me weren’t true. I hadn’t failed, I’d succeeded. Barely and only by the skin of my teeth, but still I had. I’d shown him what I was really capable of.

“The best revenge is massive success”

– Frank Sinatra

“Don’t let him bother you love, he’s not worth it” Matt says. I sigh deeply, though it’s one of indignation. He’s not worth it, no, but if I give up and fail at my task then I give him reason to say that he was right about me, that I can’t achieve the things that I set out to achieve. It’d been a struggle, and one that sometimes I’d really had to struggle for. Still, I’m determined for my success.

I’d wanted to be nice, really I had, but I was done with playing nice and being the bigger person. I was done with the moral high ground, the view up there is pretty shit anyway.

“I’m just saying, but I didn’t get my headmaster’s respect by playing nice” I begin.

“I didn’t negotiate business deals for the (sports) centre with flowery talk and butterfly kisses.”

“We didn’t get to keep this place because I offered our landlord a blowjob” I say, gesturing around the room. Matt gives me a warning look and I swallow anxiously. Okay, so maybe that one a bit much, but I think I’ve made my point.

“Sometimes you have to know when to play hardball” I say, “I’ve been patient, and now my patience is up. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for one last time, if he’d been Partner of the Year to me then I’d be saying that instead. He wasn’t though, and so I won’t.”

“Newton’s third law” I add with a crooked smile. Matt chuckles and shakes his head.

I called this post “Unleashed” because that’s what I was tonight, unleashed. It’s sort of also a nod to the pet play conversations that Bill and I occasionally have, and curiosities, again, about pet play. Even if our relationship was no more by definition, Bill and I have always been very close. We still are, and we also share that same curiosity. I’d wanted to stream the movie “The Pet” and review it on my main blog, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere to do so. I think the last time I tried to watch it then I wasn’t really mature enough in my submission, I’d seen things and freaked out instead of being able to say “I’m okay with this and this, but not that”. Fed treats by my Master while I’m sat on the floor? Fine. Naked and showered by my Master? Maybe. Cold hose showers in the garden? Not so much.

“My Owners, my Masters, my Handlers, my…” I purr in a moment of submissive indulgence. Chimeras? No. Vixens? Perhaps.

One could say that Red and I are kept leashed by our Masters. We’re both strong and ferocious women, and left unchecked? Well…

I’d been hopeful about Will and I too at one time, but that hope has gone now. I had hope, but I wasn’t going to beg for us and I knew that I deserved much more. I think I noticed that change in me the last time we spoke, after he ghosted me for however long it was. I didn’t care so much when he didn’t reply and I wasn’t so desperate to reply to him, either. He went quiet on me after a bit of chat? Oh well, c’est comme ça.

Maybe it was an upcoming deployment, or maybe it wasn’t. I started to get anxious about it and then I refused to let myself. I’d been worth the bother before, right up until I set boundaries.

Know your worth, and know that you are worth more.

It was hard, but I knew that if I just put one foot in front of the other, eventually I would move on.

A whole fifteen days passed before his name was mentioned again, and not by me this time. Maybe I really had moved on?

But for all of the good and bad of the past however many months, I was left now with only gratitude.

He’d taught me about the world we live in, and that it’s far more complex than what it seems.

He’d taught me to focus on the moment, on “what is” instead of the “what if?”.

He’d kicked my ass and made me work much harder than I’d ever worked in the past eleven years.

He’d reminded me of my real worth and why I should not to settle for less.

And for those lessons I will always be grateful.

But he’d also shown me that no matter how much you might want to, you can’t just love someone into a happier, healthier, better version of themself. That work has to come from within.

He’d shown me that not everyone who loves you will resepect you, appreciate you or deserve you or your time.

He’d shown me what toxic behaviour looks like, so I know what to avoid in future.

Most of all he’d taught me that there are “you” problems and “me” problems in this world, and the fact that I’m now moving on with a string of successes under my belt? That’s not my problem.

My problem now is in keeping my successes going.