Happy New Year you beaitiful man. Love you xx
Truthfully I’d been meaning to drop the “L” word into things for a few weeks now, but when is is it right? When was it right, for us? “Never” felt like one option, but never also wasn’t ever an option for me. I believe that honesty really is the best policy, and somehow and in some way, I had to be honest.
I opted for New Year’s Eve in the end. New year, new intentions and all of that.
And you beautiful creature
Ah, so he doesn’t love me then? Fuck.
I’ve come to accept now that maybe I did read into it a little bit too much, which is pretty typical for me. I blame my highly-sensitive nature; when I put my heart on my sleeve and it’s not mirrored back at me, I succumb to feelings of foolishness and shame. It’s probably also my inner critic at play, most likely bought about by years of familial criticism and ostracization. My own inner critic sounds an awful lot like my Mum.
I try not to let it eat away at me too much. We still have us and we still have our friendship, or wbatever we may be.
Hey!
Hey!
I stare at my phone for a moment – who has a need to get hold of me so desperately?
It turns out that it’s my ex-sub, Andy, that’s who.
I don’t hate Andy, but we did end on unfavourable, painful terms, and terms which I accept. In the last message he sent to me he told me that he was going backpacking in Australia for a gap year to “forget about things, including us”. That hurt, but I accepted it anyway. After all, what more can you do if someone’s mind is made up like that?
What it did also do, though, was push me to never, ever want to Dominate anyone ever again. It hurt me so much; I was so proud of Andy, I gav so much to Andy and to be discarded of like that hurt me immensely. I also shut down and withdrew into myself, focusing on my own desire to surrender to and serve other people: I found my full and inner submissive.
So when Andy came back into the picture unexpectedly last year, I was rather surprised.
It touches me and warms my heart that Andy remembers me so favourably, that I introduced him to his love for uniforms and that he’s since bought more items without my instruction. It goes beyond me, it’s become a part of him, something that he can share and enjoy with whoever and in whatever capacity. It’s not even about my being a good Domme, it’s that I’ve helped someone discover themselves and the honour that they allowed me to be a part of that incredible journey. That, for me, really is the highlight of it all.
Again we lose contact for weeks, months, and life goes on.
On Tuesday I hear from him again, to show me the uniforms that he’s been buying. Again I’m happy for him and I’m proud of him, but there seems to be another layer to his messages.
He wants me back.
Badly.
It’s not that I don’t (or didn’t) care for Andy, but there are things now that hold me back. I’m far too busy now for one, even if I was lounging on the sofa, watching Road Wars and stuffing myself with an unglorious amount of Christmas chocolate when he messaged me. It’s not that that I don’t have any free time now, but it’s that when I do, I like to make that free time about me.
Me, and the things that I enjoy.
Second, let’s not ignore the fact that he did discard me with absolutely no regard for my feelings and could just as easily do it akk over again. Did I really want to open myself up to that hurt once more?
No, the answer was no.
He asks about my Fet;ife profile and I tell him. I’m hardly on there, anyway. What does it matter?
You’re busy but you have time to be polyamorous!
Well, yeah, because a partner worth their salt understands that even polyamorous people have non-romantic, non-sexual lives, but also because polyamorous isn’t synoymous with “fucks anything and everything that moves”. I’m busy blogging, cleaning and socialising for much of the time, all of which I do perfectly well and with my clothes still very much on my person. I know dear Reader, it’s a crazy cencept, but alas it’s true.
But if he could look at my profile then I could look at his too. All really is fair in love and war, right?
I don’t want to say that I saw red flags, but I saw red flags. Lots of them. Dozens.
When someone’s fetish list screams “I’n not good news”, you don’t hang about to find out if maybe they were just joking about it. Dear Reader, you are worth so, so, SO much more than that!
I’m also not saying that people can’t be into kinks that aren’t kinks for me, however, there is a huge difference between a personal hard limit and a blatant red flag. These were definitely the latter.
Tying up Dommes? Fighting switches? Breaking wankbans? Kinkshaming? These are all major red flags for me and are behaviours familar with what I remember of Andy from our past, behaviours and attitudes that I tolerated from a distance back then because I didn’t know my worth and because I had no idea what abuse looked like at that time. Now I do.
Andy is not someone who wants to be dominated as part of a consensual and healthy BDSM relationship it seems, Andy wants to be dominated because he wants to oppose and abuse a Dominant, and I want no part in that. He frequently tells me that he can’t find any other Domme who understands the things he’s into, and now it’s all too clear as to why. It’s true in all relationships – if you’re struggling that hard to find love and happiness, you have to ask yourself why that might be.
I never did hear from Andy again after that conversation and so I decide to take what has become the best and probably right approach to the non-essential toxic and manipulative people in my life – block, delete, and move on.
I twiddle around on Fetlife for a while longer, adding a few more fetishes of my own and adding a status or two. I flick onto Bill’s profile to catch up there and I notice that he’s ‘considering’ me.
Oh. Well then I suppose I better return the favour.
So I update my profile to reflect that Bill is considering me.
There.
I guess I more or less own you now you’re under consideration
A gasp and a whimper escapes me. How can this man make these things sound so delicously carnal?
Got to take this steady but it’s good
I’m confused. What’s “this”, exactly?
I looked at your Fet profile.
I roll my eyes – of course you did.
Bill is normally among the, if not the first to read my blog posts, Fetlife updates, and so on. He’s not quite crazy stalker obsessed, but it’s definitely close. He’s no Christian Grey, at least not quite. A sprinkling of redeeming qualities, perhaps.
A pretty generous sprinkling, in fact.
It does amaze me though that he haasn’t yet got a status update each time I stretch or sneeze. I put nothing past him of course, a sadist is what a sadist does best, after all.
In a way I’m used to it; the care, concern and protection (though not overwhelming) of Matt and Bill. There’s no abundance of wealth and no spoiling (though Matt definitely tries) that the Fifty Shades franchise insinuates, but there is an overriding concern for me, my safety and my welfare. I can accept that to both, as a part of my submission to them.
As long as they can tolerate my sass and attitude of course, though that hasn’t been a problem so far.
There is a running theme that I’m reminded of in Fifty Shades Freed, in which Christian calls Ana up for topping from the bottom and Ana replies that he should “learn to live with it”. I too hold a similar attitude – I will always and gladly listen, but outside of a scene then I won’t be told what to do. I feel like Bill, Matt and myself have that level of respect, trust, empathy and understanding that is required so much that it doesn’t and won’t become a problem. I heed there advice, but as for doing as I’m told? That could be an interesting one.
Though never say never, of course.
Whispers Of A Phoenix 
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