Did I pick this post title knowing full well that it would grab attention? Even if I did, I’ll never admit to it.
Forgive me Dear Reader, but right now I am feeling a little bit bugged. Not bugged enough to make me vicious, but bugged enough to be wilfully non-compliant, definitely. Combative maybe. Anyway.
I planned to have a secret – just one little teeny, tiny secret, but for my pledge of always being honest with my audience then I sort of got systematically denied of my right to keep them. Perhaps my mother was right about me, perhaps I really am a slave to my blog.
The past few days have been enjoyable, and if the past was polyamory done wrong then this here feels like polyamory done right. Everything feels easier: there’s no more arguments, people talk, nobody yells, nobody controls, it just… works. I’d forgotten how it felt to be good enough and to love with ease, or how it felt to have someone who loves and accepts you for you, even if I’d had one (in Matt) all along. I’m not fighting for love anymore, we’re all happy.
A few days ago I told Bill that I’d been thinking about us taking a nap together. There was nothing more in it, but he loves naps, and I like naps, and napping together somehow felt… logical, like the next, seemingly normal step, were it not for distance. I mean, a lot of things probably make sense for next steps, sure, but still.
Our relationship has gotten deeper as we’ve moved out of good friends and into relationship territory, yet it feels right, even completely organic. It’s scary in a way and yet I trust these two. I deserve this. He deserves me. They both do.
Sir hasn’t yet thought of a name for me, which is both humbling and nervewracking in one. Truthfully I go by many names, but “pain in the ass” most often. It stings a bit, but I’ll never apologise for being me.
On Friday Bill was a little bit sentimental and, even if I’ve held back from saying certain things so far, it was still really touching. It’s still warming my heart hours later.
“Bill was really cute today too” I say to Matt as we snuggle up for an episode of Him & Her.
“Oh?”
“He said that he couldn’t imagine not having me in his life.”
“Aww!” Matt says, “that’s really sweet.”
“He is” I agree.
“Do you think I can keep him?” I ask. “I’ll take good care of him, promise! I’ll feed him and find somewhere cosy for him to sleep and take him for walks and stuff”. Granted I’m in one of my silly moods.
“I don’t think your Sir would approve of you keeping him as a pet” Matt laughs.
“No, I suppose you’re right” I smile, “it would be a turn of events though” I giggle.
“Really? Then perhaps I should tell him what you are planning” he warns.
“No!” I gasp, “I’m not planning anything, merely asking. I didn’t even mention cages or anything, I mean, what kind of monster do you take me for?”
“A bratty one” he grins, I glare at him. Ooh, so it’s a war you want? ‘Kay then.
“You know, I could ask Mum to teach me how to walk you both tandem, if you like? Then we’ll all have some training of a sort.”
“Checkmate” I wink.
On Saturday morning Sir and I discussed the (im)proper use of chocolate spread.
Enhances the flavour 😉 he says, I shake my head. Coming from my other best friend? I am at a loss for words.
By nightfall I turn my attention to cleaning out the kitchen cupboards. As I do I find the jar of Cadbury’s chocolate spread that I bought to make a makeshift chocolate sauce: mix a tablespoonful with equal parts warm (not boiling) water, mix until smooth and use. Add a few more drops of water if it’s still too thick for your requirements. Use one-and-a-half to two tablespoons water for a dripping sauce.
I meander about the kitchen while I wait for his reply. That I’ve noticed is different about me this time too, I’m more relaxed and casual in my movements now.
In date?
Again I shake my head. Really? He knows how organised I am. We’re minimalists, it’s what we do!
Once I’m finished I serve myself up a portion of Madagascan vanilla ice cream drizzled in my homemade chocolate sauce. I take a photograph of it and send it to Sir.
I don’t know what else you were thinking about dripping it on? 😉 , I add
Last night was rather rough, and both Matt and I are feeling it today, Matt stayed up for the Super Bowl, meaning that he didn’t come to bed until coser to 4AM. I watched a Puppy Bowl video from TheRealSpeechProf and then slept. Dogs and the witticisms of Professor Chesko? My night is complete.
As I returned to the Youtube home screen I was greeted by an ASMR video from a beloved arttist who, for the sakes of not putting all of my secrets out there, shall remain unknown. I don’t want to watch the video, I need to watch the video. I need to sate that thing in me, the itch I have to scratch. This creator is so good at scratching that itch that I even shamefully financially supported thier channel at one time, just to meet my needs. They became my dealer of the most perverse pleasure, the supplier of a product I could get nowhere else.
I wasn’t planning to say anything; I was going to get my fix of dehumanisation and debasement and return to normal the next day as though nothing had happened. I’m not hooked on ASMR, for not just any ASMR will do. It’s not tingles it’s, it’s.. what is it?
I’m weak for this treatment of me, for this objectification of me, I know I am. No more a woman, or a writer, or even a human, merely a subject with a purpose that meets a need. I crave that ultimate loss of control.
Yet again the crossover between ASMR and BDSM is confirmed.
“You want to be a good… obedient subject” they say. Yeah, yes I do.
Badly.
That is also true of BDSM: Obedience is something that a submissive has to want to give, it has to be consensual. Anyone can tell someone what to do, sure, but that’s not consent. Submission in BDSM means acting on instructions because the submissive partner wants to do what the Dominant says. They can become almost transfixed by their words.
I slip into a place where my mind thinks about sleep deprivation, mind control and breeding programmes for submissives. It feels so wrong but so, so right; twisted, freeing, heavenly. I need to be there – taken, used, bred. All of my thoughts and worries of the day become insignificant. Here they serve no purpose, only I do.
The video ends, the mind wanders and the hand roams once more.
Whispers Of A Phoenix 
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