I woke up this morning feeling happy, content and loved. Was it really possible to feel this happy? I thought maybe not at one time and yet, here I am. Polyamory doesn’t feel wrong, or immoral, or anything bad really, it feels right and right for me. Sandwiched (albeit one virtually) between two wonderful, delightful sadists, this was just where I was supposed to be.
Happy V Day, Bill texts me, he’s always up earlier than Matt. It’s nice in a way because it means that I have someone to talk to early in the day. It feels as though our polycule “wakes up” together, even if we’re far apart.
Last night Matt and I had our six-month review of our ethical non-monogamy questions. As a template, you can find the ones that we use here:
It tickled me in a way that it happened on the eve of Valentine’s Day and I wondered for a moment whether that should be a sort of celebration for our polycule, a kind of Anti-Valentine’s Day where we celebrate the other side of us, then Valentine’s Day (and because you can never have too much of a good thing!). The dark and dirty, followed by sweetness and nice? Ho hum, there were variations of the same thought.
As an aside, I have also successfully corrupted Sir over to my little world of the breeding kink. It was easy really, and once it’s there…
“I’ll try to make this as painless for you as possible” I say to Matt.
“Maybe” I grin, I get the Dom stare and I smile apologetically. Okay, serious face.
Even before we get into it, Bill is quick to remind me that he respects both of us. I like that, it’s so different to everything I had before.
Much remains as it always was – Matt is happy for me to meet other people, form relationships, go on dates etc. Really then anything outside of what I already have will be purely platonic now anyway, but I still use the phrase ‘someone else’ and not ‘Bill’ because I want to be clear that boundaries need to be fair and universal. You can’t yay or nay a poly dynamic based on who your metamour is and how you perceive them, that gets real ugly, and fast.
I also have to stamp out Matt’s referring to my relationship with Bill as a “goal” to my happiness. My relationship with Bill is a project that only we can work on, and are working on. We can work within boundaries and find something that works for us and makes us happy, but how that looks is still ultimately up to us. It’s sweet that Matt cares, but respecting those terms is respecting all of us.
“We’re not a triad, so outside of having a say in terms of boundaries, you don’t really have too much say in how my relationship with Bill works. A triad would suggest that you are involved with Bill as well, romantically.”
“My happiness is my own goal, not yours” I continue. “Your own happiness needs to be your goal, and if I’m a part of that then I am honoured. If making me happy makes you happy then great, but you alone cannot be, and are not, solely responsible for my happiness. You make me happy, Bill makes me happy, and I hope in some way I make you both happy. Football also makes you happy,” I smile to myself, “which sounds far more bizarre than what I’d intended it to.”
“But not wrong” Matt grins.
“Probably not for you, no” I tease.
There’s a bit of a pang in the back of my throat – somebody else made me happy at one time too, he just didn’t believe in his ability to make me happy and so he ended up making me sad instead.
Penetrative sex and spending the night away from home (or at least away from Matt) is still a no-go, and really that’s just one of those things. I think it was hard for me before because I was being pushed for it so strongly, but it’s a no and that’s okay. Bill doesn’t push it, Bill respects boundaries, That’s why this works.
“How would you feel about someone else setting rules for me?” I ask, it’s one of the questions, reworded. I also know it’s something Bill mentioned to me quite recently.
“I think that would get in the way of everyday life too much” Matt says.
“Okay. That could be a bit of a sticky wicket because I know Bill was thinking down those lines” I say. He nods.
“I mean… it depends on what they are” he continues. “If it’s like taking care of yourself or whatever then fine, but if it’s getting off at 3PM everyday then obviously not because I’m highly likely to be in client meetings then. I can’t have you doing that behind me!” he laughs.
“Plus, Kitten is an important blogger person and she gets busy too. It wouldn’t work”. Noted, I can but pass it on.
I did think about the past again today and I did think about my own side of things. I suppose you have to ask yourself that question at some point: how did I contribute to that mess?
When I think about it, I didn’t have any boundaries back then. Boundaries were a thing I never got to have as a kid and was never taught that I was allowed to have, I also probably could have been more empathetic to his feelings. But then, I argued with myself, if someone responds to your stresses with “that sounds like a you problem”, why should you care so much about theirs?
Whispers Of A Phoenix 
Leave a Reply